Why Your Team Sucks 2. Green Bay Packers. Some people are fans of the Green Bay Packers.

But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Green Bay Packers. This 2. 01. 7 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team: Green Bay Packers. Your 2. 01. 6 record: 1. Yep, you wasted another year of Aaron Rodgers’s prime.

You are Atlanta Braves- ing him. Suck it. How do you have Aaron Rodgers and fall behind 3. NFC title game?. Your coach: Mike Mc. Carthy. That’s how. He’s still here, and Dom Capers is still the defensive coordinator.

Until the day you people die (and it’s coming soon; I’ve seen the way you eat), you will be stuck with Beav calling isolation plays with his 1. Capers orchestrating a defense that only looks good against any offense that can’t play offense. I can’t believe you got beaten senseless by the Skins. Your quarterback: Aaron Rodgers.

How come you never call you mother anymore, Aaron? Every year, the Packers go through a rough patch (last year’s example being a four- game skid and a 4- 6 start) and you can rest assured that’s enough to cause every last idiot Packers fan to lose their shit and wonder if it’s the end of an era. Go here if you don’t believe me. They’ll probably still blame every Rodgers slump this year on Olivia Munn even though those two aren’t fucking each other anymore. What’s new that sucks: LOL who are you kidding?

It’s the Packers. They do nothing. Ted Thompson spends the entire offseason napping in a barcalounger.

True, they brought in Martellus Bennett to replace Jared Cook, and they grabbed Jahri Evans to help make up for the loss of T. J. Lang, and they cut Eddie Lacy for being the weight of your average season ticket holder, but come on. Everything the Packers do is to ensure model consistency, so that Rodgers will spend another season running for his life before the team ultimately shits down its own throat in the playoffs. They can’t keep anyone healthy. Half the team will spend all winter in that sideline medic igloo. The only receiver who doesn’t go through Pleistocene- length cold stretches is Jordy Nelson and he’s a fragile little white man with hair like a seal pelt.

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For real, I’m shocked Jordy hasn’t been clubbed by a hunter and mounted on the wall of a Rhinelander log cabin. Their best running back is a converted wideout and their second- best running back is an actual wideout. They’ll both get hurt and Mc. Carthy will still try to “establish the run” 2. The cornerbacks are abominable. Clay Matthews still has a tiny face and I hate him. YOU’RE NOT THOR, BUDDY.

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• Some people are fans of the Green Bay Packers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Green Bay Packers. This 2017 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in.
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What has always sucked: This is the part where, as ethics require, I must disclose that I am a Vikings fan (or Vi. Queens, as Green Bay fans so cleverly put it), and that the Packers DISGUST me with their never- ending, small- town, Thornton Wilder horseshit. Look at these assholes: These are the dumbest fans in the NFL. It’s not close. Ask any other fan of any other team who the stupidest fans they’ve ever encountered are, and they will tell you: Green Bay. Every fan is a 3. This is the only franchise where fans have more brain damage than the former players. If you’re unfortunate enough to be stuck near a Packers fan, you will be subjected to hours of cheese breath and contradicting takes about players they aren’t even aware are no longer on the roster.

Any time the Packers win by fewer than 2. I guarantee you that Rodgers hates every waking second he has to be in Green Bay. Who wouldn’t? Apart from the Packers, the most exciting thing that happens in Green Bay is when the local Chili’s offers a new drink special. The fans are dumber than styrofoam and the media is even worse: This is your model NFL team. This is every last FOOTBALL IS FAMILY lie tucked into one fanbase and handed a stack of forged ownership certificates.

This is the Notre Dame of the NFL. Every time Rodgers completes some bullshit Hail Mary (goddammit, opposing teams, bat the ball down), every Packers fans may as well cry out WAKE UP THE ECHOES and jerk off into their mittens. These people think they’re magic. They think they’re SPECIAL.

They think they deserve all these great quarterbacks and neat football action that they’ve been arbitrarily handed by a Blind God. They think they’re the American idyll. They are not. They’re humps. Frauds. Narcissists. SHITBAGS. They are emblematic of a very specific kind of American reverse dysmorphic disorder, where you look in the mirror and see some All- American stud instead of the sad, worthless asshole you really are. I’d rather cut myself than live like a Packers fan, sitting around my whole life waiting for some podunk team to do something exciting so that I can leech off their success because I myself can barely move.

GO TO HELL. I’m not bitter. I’m not bitter at all. WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TACKLE ANTONIO FREEMAN WHEN HE GOT UP?! Did you know? Ty Montgomery started out as a wideout before the team discovered running back was his natural position.

Get ready to hear that 4,0. What might not suck: Nothing. Fuck you. And fuck Paul Ryan with a tree. Watch Hard Candy HD 1080P on this page. HEAR IT FROM PACKERS FANS! Nic: You can straight up see in Rodgers’ expression how sad he is to be playing for skinny Andy Reid.

Stephen: WHY THE FUCK IS DOM CAPERS STILL HERE Andrew: Wisconsin is the Arkansas of the Midwest, and Green Bay is its Hot Springs. Karl: Our defense made Blake Bortles look like a good quarterback. Landon: Mike Mc. Carthy and the Packers fan base effectively fat- shamed Eddie Lacy out of Wisconsin, and that is ironic for all of the obvious reasons. Matt: Their yearly rash of injuries to important players seems to stem from the fact that their training staff confuses hamstrings with ham sandwiches. Molly: I now head into the playoffs wondering what new, unique way my soul will be crushed in the NFC Divisional or Championship game.

Nate: The Packers suck because month- old tuna fish sandwiches left out to sop in a puddle of excrement are infinitely more fresh than whatever Dom Capers has cookin’ up, and we all know it. Aaron: I can’t decide if I want to write a screed against the entitled part of the fanbase that whines incessantly about not winning a championship every year, or if I want to rail against the team for seeming content to be the third- best team in the NFC every year. Jesse: Dom Capers.

David: A regular jar of capers could coach better than Dom Capers. Justin: Capers has a lower approval rating among Packer fans than Trump at a Black Lives Matter rally held in Mexico. Watch Quadrophenia Online (2017) there.